Sensationalism: now in HD!

Was quiet past few days due to visiting relatives/hitting up the few boyhood restaurants that still exist back in the ol’ neighborhood.  During a visit with Grandma, who got a ridiculous deal on quite possibly the biggest TV known to mankind, sat & watched said Tubezilla.  An episode of “The Doctors” — which I’d never heard of before that precise point, and didn’t change the channel from because she didn’t have cable — came on.  The premise was elephant-shit obvious: a panel of people with medical degrees whore themselves out in a talkshow format about something.

The topic of slutification this day?  “OH NOES!!!  THE DRUGZ IS CUNSOOMEENG YORE KIDDEHS!!!”

“Great”, I thought to myself.  They proceeded to take the following heard-it-all-before substance abuse stories and act like they were the ’09 model:

  • “You can find recipes for making crystal meth online!  How sad…” (at which moment the Patron Saints  of Freedom of Speech & Raise Your Own Damn Kids shrug in unison and say “point being?”)
  • “Vodka bongs!?  WTF?!?” (Considering how long both vodka and bongs have been around, this stopped being shock-worthy before I was born)
  • “Flavored narcotics?!? AN-ARK-EE!!!  AN-ARK-EE!!!” (Me of Last Year called, he says you just answered George Clinton’s album cover question)
  • “OHMIGAWDTHEYREPUTTINGPOTINCANDY!!!” (Yeah, for medical marijuana patients.  Considering the popular image of marijuana smokers, the only offense behind “Buddhafinger” is commission of Metasnark without a license)
  • “Your daughter may be putting Peruvian Flake in her twat!!!” (Jeebus fucking Khrist, Sigmund Freud was doing that w/ women during his coke-as-therapy period.  Maybe if people embraced a book once in awhile or paid attention in science class they’d know that sticking drugs in your woo-hah and/or exit makes overdose drastically more likely.  Damn kids can’t even get high right these days…)

The sole actual innovation (AFAIK — I’m too Grown Ass Man to do that kind of shit, and even when I wasn’t beer & the occasional ‘dro was enough) among these “new dangers!!!” was the use of dry ice to vaporize hard liquor — which needless to say is a waste of liquor.

What force could possibly have conjured up such a masterpiece of Too Dumb To Parody TV?  Wiki sez…:

The series is a spin-off of Dr. Phil and is the first talk show to be spun off from another talk show spin-off, as Dr. Phil itself is a spin-off of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Not only are the pigs sprouting wings and flying, they’re shooting lazer beams from their eyeballs and jumping over sharks, while mating in mid-air.  I’ll have a plague of locusts, large fries, & a chocolate shake, please…


About b-psycho

Left-libertarian blogger & occasional musician.
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