TV ads drive me to consider Zoloft. And Tanquerey.

Things I would think if I were an alien and got my sense of humanity solely from TV commercials in the U.S.:

The men of the species are all slobish morons who only have knowledge on fixing vehicles & preparing animals for eating over fire.  They mostly work in man-made maze configurations, counting the seconds to themselves when they can go gather in groups consuming clear yellowish liquid, the taste of which is described sparingly as “cold” and “refreshing”, if at all.  Most of them, their mating organs fail at the age of 30, or upon getting their first grey hair, whichever comes first.  Despite this, they tend to mate with females visibly half their age, who they met via “internet dating”.  They also obtain pleasure from using vehicles large enough to store 20 Z2456nffs, seeing this as a mark of their masculinity.  The young ones prefer electronic devices to contact with their own species, and seem to like devices with carvings of fruit on them for this purpose — in fact, devices that do not have this symbol are treated as diseased.  The dark ones worship as an idol a food substance they call “fried chicken”, cannot control the volume of their communication, and play a game involving tossing an orange sphere into a hoop.  They also use large vehicles like their light-skinned counterparts, but add reflective artwork called “rims”, “dubs”, or “spinners” to them, apparently to avoid confusion from a distance.

The women of the species all harbor intense hatred for each other, and are constantly slipping back and forth into a state of willful starvation.  Mating does not bring them pleasure, which is only achievable through eating (usually containers of green vegetative matter, or a substance they call “Yo-gert”) or obtaining items not necessary to sustain life, such as animal-hide pouches & body coverings that inhibit movement.  They tend to regularly consult an oracle only known as “Oprah”, and all lose their teeth at the age of 50.  Upon full development of reproductive organs, they must enter large gatherings of males, consume large amounts of clearish-yellow liquid, and then remove their body coverings while screaming into a recording device, otherwise they are required to go into hibernation.  Their digestive systems seem to work in opposition to them at all times, and their skeletons are the most brittle substance on Earth.  Their offspring must play a game involving moving a spherical object with their lower appendages into a net at least once prior to maturation, or they will lose their will to live.  The darker of the females frequently engage in rituals where they wear every color of the visible human spectrum, then form large gatherings before one of their own perspiring heavily and shouting loudly of a creature named “Jesus”, who according to their description has powers not unlike our own species on Dptrmw6937bltXXX.

About b-psycho

Left-libertarian blogger & occasional musician.
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One Response to TV ads drive me to consider Zoloft. And Tanquerey.

  1. vache folle says:

    Zoloft and Tanqueray are a great combo.

    Pharmaceutical ads drove me to it.

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